I was so tired of being pregnant. I was 40 weeks, and still very much not in labor. That was not part of my plan.

At my 40 week appointment, the doctor said we would schedule an induction so if the baby didn’t come by the induction date, we’d be ready. Also not part of my plan.

The day of my induction came. Nerves were high and I was antsy all day. I called the hospital to make sure we were still good to come that evening. They were out of beds. They said call again tomorrow. This wasn’t part of my new plan.

Feeling all the feels, I cried. I was afraid, excited, tired, angry. I was even jealous of the moms who went into labor naturally. And most of all, I was feeling completely unable to do anything about any of it.

When the baby finally was born, I thought I’d get to hold him and feed him and have those precious first moments with him. But instead he was whisked away from me. They told me he was having trouble breathing. Off to the NICU he went. He stayed there for two days. In those two days I barely got to hold him, breastfeeding was hard and I was a tired, emotional mess. This was DEFINITELY not part of the plan.

Pregnancy hormones are no joke, and I’m positive that they had a hand in all my emotions, but heightened hormones or not, I’ve realized that I like to be in control. I like to have a plan. I like to know what’s happening, when it’s happening and how it’s gonna happen. If I’m not in control of a situation, I freak out. I feel like I’m completely helpless and I’m not gonna lie, it’s scary.

Lately I’ve been feeling very out of control of everything, and I hate it.

We’re remodeling our house, and it feels like it’s taking forever! But I can’t really control that. I also can’t control my husband’s work schedule. Nor can I control my family. And most of all I can’t control my health problems. I’ve been pushing to figure out my persisting health problems for a few years now, and I’m just starting to feel like we might be getting somewhere. I envy the people who can stand without feeling like they’re gonna fall to the ground. This was definitely never part of my plan.

The reality is that I’m not in control of any of that, and I never will be. That’s encouraging, huh? Nope. Not at all.

The encouraging part is that there is someone in control of all the stuff going on. That someone just isn’t me.

I don’t have to freak out at a change of plans, or when something doesn’t go my way. When life seems out of control, I need to remind myself that it’s not out of control. Nothing is ever out of control for our heavenly father. Nothing is a surprise to him. Nothing. Ever. He is all powerful and all knowing.

He knew my baby wouldn’t want to come into the world on his due date.

He knew that I would be induced.

He knew that even my induction plans would be changed.

And He knew that my sweet baby would end up in the NICU for a few days.

But he also knew that it would be okay. He knew how everything was going to go, and he worked everything out for good. Thank goodness for such a gracious, wonderful God.

He’s still working everything for good, and his glory. But sometimes we won’t understand. Sometimes we’ll be frustrated, or even angry at our circumstances. Sometimes it feels like God isn’t even there, and that we’re left to our own devices. When your plans change and you wanna freak out, refocus yourself on God and let him write your story. He’s got it all under control.

Let me put it to you this way, say you’re the owner of a big company. The company is very important to you and you need someone very trust worthy to manage it. Would you choose A. The person who has no experience, no wisdom and couldn’t even decide what to have for breakfast, or would you choose B. The wise, kind, loving, creator of the universe who knows everything and is never surprised by anything?

I think its pretty easy to say that you’d obviously pick B.

If its so easy to say you’d pick B, then why do we let A take control and wreak havoc all over the company? If you haven’t caught on, you are A, God is B, and this company is your life.

Believe me, I’m writing this for myself. My husband and I just had this conversation recently. After one of my panic attacks, we were talking and he said, “I think your biggest problem is that you try to control everything going on, and then when something doesn’t go your way you have a breakdown.”

That hit me hard. I never even realized that’s what I was doing. But he was so right. I was trying to hold onto every little thing and when I couldn’t, I panicked. Now to start changing my thoughts and focus more on the one who has it all in his hands.

If you’re like me, you know what you need to do, but doing it is hard. I get it. And now that I have a baby to take care of, more often than not stuff gets pushed to the back burner and I forget about it till it’s on fire.

I’m not saying this time will be different, because I really don’t know, but I am going to try to make an effort to rely on God more, and let him write my story instead of trying to take the pen out of his hands.

My prayer for you and I: Lord, I know I’m a mess, and maybe the reader is too, so please give us your strength and peace to be women who let you be in control of our lives. Give us the wisdom and endurance in these uncertain times to raise our children to love and follow you. Forgive us for trying to control what you already have under control. Thank you for your love and mercy. Thank you for the blessings you give us every single day.